@mom_ontherocks

Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?

Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.

You Might Also Like

@JimmerThatisAll

I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.

@bigsharkguy

perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors

@Skoogeth

me: thanks for the new bath toy

her: you’re welcome

me: oh and it makes toast too?

@Ty_Schutz

I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”

@BoomBoomBetty

Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end

@Rollinintheseat

Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”

Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”

@therealeatwood

ME: Would you like a snack?

4: No. As a pure mathematical object, I require no physical sustenance.