Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?

Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.

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magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]


*in a job interview*

No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker


*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*

*celebrates the thought with a pizza*


If I tell you I’m “breaking out the fine china,” I just mean the expensive paper plates.


I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.


I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song


I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.


*first day as Robin Hood

“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”