Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?

Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.

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I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.


perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors


me: thanks for the new bath toy

her: you’re welcome

me: oh and it makes toast too?


I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”


Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end


Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”

Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”


ME: Would you like a snack?

4: No. As a pure mathematical object, I require no physical sustenance.