I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
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perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
donut scented perfume
Apparently, Engineers talk how Doctors write
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
ME: Would you like a snack?
4: No. As a pure mathematical object, I require no physical sustenance.