Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.

Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?

Me: Kids?

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Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?


childrens alphabet books are the only thing keeping us from forgetting what a xylophone is


Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.


Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?


If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands


I’m not saying your cat doesn’t care about you, I’m saying if Lassie was a cat, Timmy would still be in that well


ME: I got us a custom headstone!

WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes

ME: Just read it

WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”


Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.

Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.


My 12yo son’s protip:

Buy larger sized clothes and you’ll look like you lost weight. You’re welcome.