Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
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Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes