Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
You Might Also Like
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.