me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
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*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
what kind of cook setting is this??
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign