Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
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Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
British people be like I’m Bri ish
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
This January has 47 Mondays
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
rise and shine we got egg
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock