@notmythirdrodeo

me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?

moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.

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@ArfMeasures

SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*

CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!

@YearOfRat

I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.

@awescar

Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?

@justmiche74

If you guys don’t hear from me for the next 72hrs, no worries, I’ll just be stirring risotto

@rockymomax

MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol

@Nips_00

I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards

@maxhaarhaus

Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people

Me: correcting people, actually

I: no it’s-

Me: i know what it says

@AndyAsAdjective

This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.

@rcromwell4

“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”