me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?

moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.

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SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*

CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!


I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.


Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?


If you guys don’t hear from me for the next 72hrs, no worries, I’ll just be stirring risotto


MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol


I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards


Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people

Me: correcting people, actually

I: no it’s-

Me: i know what it says


This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.


“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”