Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
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Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear