Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
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A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown