ME: So, was I a good person on earth?

GOD: Mostly

ME: Mostly?

GOD: I mean, you did the Macarena at every wedding

ME: So?

GOD: Like, even when it wasn’t playing

ME: Yeah, that’s bad

GOD: And not even just to dance songs either

ME: Okay I get it

GOD: You barely got in here

You Might Also Like


So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.


me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking

friend: did it work?

me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken


Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.

Priest: Murder, my child?

Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.

Priest: *gasp*


DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all

DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad


My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.


Me: I need a doctor’s appointment

Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?

Me: No I don’t need that many


My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.


my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend