@Home_Halfway

ME: So, was I a good person on earth?

GOD: Mostly

ME: Mostly?

GOD: I mean, you did the Macarena at every wedding

ME: So?

GOD: Like, even when it wasn’t playing

ME: Yeah, that’s bad

GOD: And not even just to dance songs either

ME: Okay I get it

GOD: You barely got in here

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@AngryRaccoon2

So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.

@notmythirdrodeo

me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking

friend: did it work?

me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken

@junejuly12

Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.

Priest: Murder, my child?

Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.

Priest: *gasp*

@theguywitheyes

DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all

DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad

@junejuly12

My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.

@MarfSalvador

Me: I need a doctor’s appointment

Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?

Me: No I don’t need that many

@SladeWentworth

My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.

@PettyRuxpin83

my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend