Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
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Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Overindulged this afternoon.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”