Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
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Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Me too, bag. Me too….
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.