Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
You Might Also Like
1st baby: you make sure he’s breathing every five minutes
2nd baby: someone replaced him with a ham in the crib and you don’t even notice
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
3 things that makes me stress:
• hot days
• annoying people
• stand close to annoying people in hot days
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
In the future, our grandchildren will ask why skyscrapers skip the 45th floor.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Who called it baking and not making love
WANTED: ladder. must be in working condition. bring it by 5134 parker st, it’s the big yellow house with a guy on the roof
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.