@jackiembouvier

Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!

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@Extranaut

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@XGroverX

Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!

@shkeeber

I killed a man once, because killing him twice is a physical impossibility.

@iamspacegirl

when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”

@lizzzzzielogan

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@Brampersandon_

[infomercial]

ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!

AUDIENCE: YES!

*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*