ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
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anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Yeah baby, I’m the lead singer in a band. Well, more of a backing singer. More of a Drummer. Triangle player..Roadie. I Saw a band once.
With all due respect to the Spice Girls. If you’re gonna be my lover, I would prefer it if you didn’t get with my friends
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon