@mommajessiec

Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?

3yo: *sneezes*

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@daemonic3

ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today

WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!

ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it

@3_livi

anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer

@jazmasta

Yeah baby, I’m the lead singer in a band. Well, more of a backing singer. More of a Drummer. Triangle player..Roadie. I Saw a band once.

@shopkins776

With all due respect to the Spice Girls. If you’re gonna be my lover, I would prefer it if you didn’t get with my friends

@ScaryMommy

No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.

I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.

@Mardigroan

So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.

@jonnysun

is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies

@seandunn76

I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.

@TheBoydP

Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?

Seen but not heard

@Kristen_Arnett

some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon