Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?

3yo: *sneezes*

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An app..

An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.

-Twitters new slogan


I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…


My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.

I’ll see myself out.


Relationship Status:

My dog was just licking my ear.

I didn’t stop her.


If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.


DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again


If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist


I wish my job was more like a video game. In order to be promoted to the next level, all I’d need to do is kill the boss.


wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you

me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife

wife: on your coke though?


Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—

Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird