Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
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Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Selfie
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.