Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
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I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”