Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
You Might Also Like
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Worlds greatest photobomb
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.