ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
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Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
a badder mouse
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me