[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
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When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.