Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
You Might Also Like
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Guy who likes music
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank