Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
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Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
SPLOOT
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Yes
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?