Me: So, what was the issue?

Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.



Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.

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[shark tank]
me: ridiculously wide sunglasses
shark 1: i’m out
shark 2: i’m out
hammerhead shark: i’m listening


No, I don’t have time to read the article. Just show me an image, and misguided headline, with the promise of making me angry.


ALCOHOL. Because no one looks back on their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.


Knife > gun because if I pull a knife, you don’t know what I’m gonna do. Stab you? Open a letter? Or am I gonna frost a cake? It’s a mystery


*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks*

*wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*


Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.


Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.


Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.