ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
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ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.