ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
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*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.