canadian assassins are called killergrams
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
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My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Left home on Friday night, got bck home on Monday night.
Grandma: U kids dnt knw hw 2 party, wen I ws ur age, I’d come back after a month
*Gets mole removed*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
The thing that impedes you from traveling from the place you didn’t want to be to the place you don’t want to go.