@robotrowboat

Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison

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@CatherineIsaac_

My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.

@SICKOFWOLVES

I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH

@pyepar

Left home on Friday night, got bck home on Monday night.

Grandma: U kids dnt knw hw 2 party, wen I ws ur age, I’d come back after a month

@bngzyface

[dermatologist office]

*Gets mole removed*

Me: Okay, weigh me now.

@ShaunRightNow

Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.

@SerialFuckup

Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”

@bartandsoul

It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition

@Jenny4ashley

Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.

Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Traffic..

The thing that impedes you from traveling from the place you didn’t want to be to the place you don’t want to go.