ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.

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ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong

HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug

ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ


Receptionist: So you’re here about your carpal tunnel huh..fill out these 20 forms and press hard so the copies are clear


me: i’ll have the mouse, please

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food


My superpower is knocking down the same conditioner every time i shower.


If you want to hide a gift for your husband, just put it in the pantry with one thing in front of it.


boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem

me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally


[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency


WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him


Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?


Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No