ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
You Might Also Like
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”