You Might Also Like

@ojedge

‘How many lights do you wanton?”

“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”

~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.

@Home_Halfway

BARISTA: I have an order for…God? Is there a God?
[no one answers]
ATHEIST: Haha told ya
GOD: *exiting bathroom* Sorry I’m here
ATH: Shit

@Marlebean

I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!

because they’re holding me hostage

@Aut_tot

People who brag about drinking black coffee?? Ok enjoy your hot bean water, I’m using creamer because I love myself

@fuzzlime

i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of

@JohnLyonTweets

Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?

Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.

@aguywithnolife

#I #love #how #you #hashtag #a #million #words #on #all #your #instagram #pics. #i #hope #you #get #your #period #in #a #sharktank.

@melliemeow

I have on my new shoes today. They are so cute, and comfortable, as long as I don’t stand in them or walk in them.