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@ClichedOut

Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look

@Grabnpuss

You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.

But it was nice of you.

@BadMikeyBad

OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here

@IamEnidColeslaw

my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon

@JermHimselfish

*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”

@Vodkantots

Perhaps Charles Manson is a selfless lover.

YOU don’t know.

@mommajessiec

*Sneezes*

Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk

@jonnysun

*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once

@punished_picnic

mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon

@ThaJawn

*sees neighbors bringing in KFC

*knocks on door

Have you seen my dog she got out *teary eyed

Neighbor: Aw. No, but if there’s-

Some KFC?