My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
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Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs