@WhaJoTalkinBout

me: so where do you go to school

new babysitter: It’s private

me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone

me: so where do you go to school

new babysitter: It’s private

me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone

- @WhaJoTalkinBout

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@_elvishpresley_

If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying

@JohnCleese

Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it

@TheBoydP

Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.

@osigat

I’ve been called a lot of names but “designated driver” was never one of them.

@pplwtching

If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.

@Browtweaten

Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?

Audience: *clapping*

Host: Sir, are you leaving?

Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer

@sammyrhodes

Circle? Donut!
Triangle? Pizza!
Cylinder? Tater tot!
– me teaching our 2yr old shapes

@LurkAtHomeMom

1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume

2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit

@DwellerLake

I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.

@ieatanddrink

For animals with an “amazing sense of smell” dogs sure do sniff piles of turds for a long time before realizing “Whoops, these are turds”