Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
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My dog just looked me in the eyes and said “Nobody is gonna believe you”. Then went back to sleep.
Are you on Twitter?
No. But if I ever join I’ll send you a friend request.
That’s how you make people believe you aren’t on Twitter.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
PSA for campus drivers