me: so where do you go to school

new babysitter: It’s private

me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone

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Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?


My dog just looked me in the eyes and said “Nobody is gonna believe you”. Then went back to sleep.


Are you on Twitter?

No. But if I ever join I’ll send you a friend request.

That’s how you make people believe you aren’t on Twitter.


I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.

I was young. It was a different time.


The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.


When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.


If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.


There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.


mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night

inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma