@WhaJoTalkinBout

me: so where do you go to school

new babysitter: It’s private

me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone

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@Serious_Law_Guy

Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.

Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.

@KyleMcDowell86

If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following

@KylePlantEmoji

Her: did you give the dog alcohol?

Me: no, why? Is he acting weird

Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/

@LoveNLunchmeat

Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.

@Kevaclysm

Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.

@BlindVigil

“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.

… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”

@themiltron

interviewer: why do you want this job
me: i’ve just always been very passionate about not starving to death

@mommajessiec

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?

Me: When a man and a woman…