@WhaJoTalkinBout

me: so where do you go to school

new babysitter: It’s private

me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone

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@YahooAnswersTXT

Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?

@6stringSpecial

My dog just looked me in the eyes and said “Nobody is gonna believe you”. Then went back to sleep.

@mooses_mom_mar

Are you on Twitter?

No. But if I ever join I’ll send you a friend request.

That’s how you make people believe you aren’t on Twitter.

@JoParkerBear

I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.

I was young. It was a different time.

@anerdonfire2

The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.

@Josievorenkamp

When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.

@omerwahaj

If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.

@TheBoydP

There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.

@carlyken

mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night

inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma