Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
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At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
interviewer: why do you want this job
me: i’ve just always been very passionate about not starving to death
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…