Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)

Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.

The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit

would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole

Fitbit: Time for a walk

Me: *walks to snack machine

David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps

I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.

It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.

i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.

White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere

Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.

Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.

Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.

looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30

Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat

What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”

What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”

Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?

*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.

*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…

It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years

So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?

My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.

Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.

Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic

I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.

Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.

*decides to open Twitter

Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.

Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”

The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.

Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.

I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.

Taco Bell: try this new thing

Me: what is it

TB: does it matter

Me: no I’ll take 3