@thatUPSdude

Me: So which one do you like? I like this one with the ocean in the background

DMV: For the last time sir, you can’t submit your own photo

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@BunAndLeggings

[pretend restaurant]

4-year-old: what do you want ?

me: pizza

4: we don’t have pizza

me: what do you have?

4: nothing

me: I’ll have nothing

4: we don’t have that

me: *throws table* this is bullshit!

@Home_Halfway

I don’t understand billionaires who still work. You have a thousand million dollars. If I won $500 in a lottery ticket I’d try to retire

@Dawn_M_

Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.

@trojansauce

[first day as a funeral photographer]
ok now let’s try a silly one

@usagiboiz

i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time

@TheRolo

Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t

@C00LpenNAME

They say your home is your castle.

But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops

@Matt_the_1st

Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today

@WheelTod

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.