4-year-old: what do you want ?
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Me: So which one do you like? I like this one with the ocean in the background
DMV: For the last time sir, you can’t submit your own photo
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I don’t understand billionaires who still work. You have a thousand million dollars. If I won $500 in a lottery ticket I’d try to retire
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
[first day as a funeral photographer]
ok now let’s try a silly one
*gets b?e?t?t?e?r? bitter with age*
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.