Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
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It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Who chose this font
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.