Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
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My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Lmfao
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it