ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
You Might Also Like
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.