“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
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friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
#growingpains
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.