Not messing around
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Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Watson was Holmes schooled
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?