me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff

wife: where’s the baby

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You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.


Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.


My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard

But only one at a time because quarantine


Cops: You were driving while intoxicated

Me: I was in no condition to walk


Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”


I wish there was a way to tell if this guy is being nice to me because he likes me or if it’s just because he’s Canadian.


*takes earrings out*
*takes bracelet off*
*slips out of shoes*
*tears off jeans, shirt, bra*
*shaves head*

Ok Doc you can weigh me now


There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.

His name was Tom.