You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
You Might Also Like
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Cops: You were driving while intoxicated
Me: I was in no condition to walk
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
I wish there was a way to tell if this guy is being nice to me because he likes me or if it’s just because he’s Canadian.
RIP is the LOL of dying…
*takes earrings out*
*takes bracelet off*
*slips out of shoes*
*tears off jeans, shirt, bra*
Ok Doc you can weigh me now
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
What a year we’ve had this week.