Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
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“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
barbara was highly relatable
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
this is funnier than any friends episode
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”