me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
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TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison