Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
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little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”