Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
You Might Also Like
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Confused owl: What?!
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Strangers have the best candy.