Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
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Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.