Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
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*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Yeah. This was me today.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.