“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Me, sobbing: it was so horrible I felt so alone and isolated I never want to experience that again
Husband: you forgot to bring your phone in the bathroom please stop
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Me: He’s starting to stir!
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
I have never “cat called” a woman. I go home, paint her from memory & then yell at the painting. It’s called respect.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.
…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.