Me (sobbing): It’s just so unfair.

Husband: Do we have to go through this every year? Move the sundresses to the back of the closet and stop being so dramatic.

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*Deletes 34 unheard voicemail messages from phone.

*Adds “extremely organized” to resume.


I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.


When a cashier asks me for my email address, I keep naming random letters as they type it to see how long I can go before they give up.


*rewinds tape with a pencil*

*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*


Interviewer: You’re hired..

Me: Thank you so much! You won’t live to regret this..

Interviewer: What?

Me: huh?


Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes

Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom


the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram


Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat


[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”


Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.