@AndLookPretty

Me (sobbing): It’s just so unfair.

Husband: Do we have to go through this every year? Move the sundresses to the back of the closet and stop being so dramatic.

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@Bluestmoon_

*Deletes 34 unheard voicemail messages from phone.

*Adds “extremely organized” to resume.

@JimmerThatisAll

I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.

@drinksmcgee

When a cashier asks me for my email address, I keep naming random letters as they type it to see how long I can go before they give up.

@thatdutchperson

[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*

[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*

@ThaJawn

Interviewer: You’re hired..

Me: Thank you so much! You won’t live to regret this..

Interviewer: What?

Me: huh?

@chrisdowning

Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes

Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom

@chrissyteigen

the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram

@aJasonWeight

Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat

@murrman5

[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”

@DudeMass

Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.