Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
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THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Pandas 🐼🖤
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Smile they said.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are