You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
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Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today