@rebrafsim

Me: somebody stole my stapler

HR: you’re working from home

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@dmc1138

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

@krisv_723

Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.

@PoshTick

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: speeding?

cop: no it’s-

dog: [paws impatiently tapping wheel]

me: he says he wasn’t speeding

@gerryhallcomedy

Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.

@tiemoose

[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]

Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-

Dracula’s son: they do the mash

Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash

@kimtopher22

You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.

@RapeyRaperton

People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.

@LittleMissAngr1

I’m confident, but not ‘say hors d’oeuvres aloud at a fancy restaurant’ confident.