Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
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I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?