Me: somebody stole my stapler

HR: you’re working from home

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While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!


Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.


cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: speeding?

cop: no it’s-

dog: [paws impatiently tapping wheel]

me: he says he wasn’t speeding


Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.


[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]

Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-

Dracula’s son: they do the mash

Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash


You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.


People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.


I’m confident, but not ‘say hors d’oeuvres aloud at a fancy restaurant’ confident.