While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
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Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
cop: no it’s-
dog: [paws impatiently tapping wheel]
me: he says he wasn’t speeding
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
I’m confident, but not ‘say hors d’oeuvres aloud at a fancy restaurant’ confident.