ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
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I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.