@rockymomax

ME: someone stole my credit card number

BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?

ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them

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@hgracestewart

I try to live each day like it’s my last, which is why I rarely have clean socks. Who wants to wash socks on the last day of their life?

@Dr_awfulpants

[at ATM] Would I like to check my balance? Okay sure. *presses button* *robot leg shoots out and sweeps mine* ‘Your balance is: awful’

@SimplySnaccbar

13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.

33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.

@GringoBrulee

HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?

Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.

@BoomBoomBetty

Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead

@andlikelaura

Killer: come out come out wherever you are

Me: *hiding*

Killer: omg what a cute puppy!

Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man

@delusions_of

Been working out. Pretty sure I can beat up half the kids from “Stranger Things” now.

@BuckyIsotope

*rolls up to teens on skateboard*
Hello kids. Can I interest you in a marijuana party?
*pulls out bong with evidence sticker on it*
dammit

@SoVeryBritish

Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties

@Weird_Rash

List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws