I try to live each day like it’s my last, which is why I rarely have clean socks. Who wants to wash socks on the last day of their life?
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
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[at ATM] Would I like to check my balance? Okay sure. *presses button* *robot leg shoots out and sweeps mine* ‘Your balance is: awful’
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Been working out. Pretty sure I can beat up half the kids from “Stranger Things” now.
*rolls up to teens on skateboard*
Hello kids. Can I interest you in a marijuana party?
*pulls out bong with evidence sticker on it*
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– spaghetti at your in-laws