ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
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Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Holy moly
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”