@ellewasamistake

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: blurry

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@Shade510

Sister: What can I get your kids this year?

Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?

Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.

Me:

@KKAlwaysSays

Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball

@AnnaKendrick47

The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture

@MichaelTrying

It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.

@causticbob

Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.

Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently

@AGStr8upNinja

Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.

@divergentmama

It’s just like the old saying goes… the family that plays games together – doesn’t speak to each other for the rest of the night

@Brampersandon_

REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?

OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2

@patnspankme

Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…

@ArfMeasures

Me: This date is going well

Her: Yes

Me: You look sexy as hell

Her: Thank you

Guy she’s on a date with: dude

Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up