me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
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dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.