me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: blurry

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Sister: What can I get your kids this year?

Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?

Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.



Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball


The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture


It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.


Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.

Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently


Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.


It’s just like the old saying goes… the family that plays games together – doesn’t speak to each other for the rest of the night


REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?



Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…


Me: This date is going well

Her: Yes

Me: You look sexy as hell

Her: Thank you

Guy she’s on a date with: dude

Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up