Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
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Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR