They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
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If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
When I said I liked it rough.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.