Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
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I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
This is a sub tweet
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
My dad teaching me to drive
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism